:: Journal ::

[ Saturday, May 28, 2005 ]

[ As I have mused before, "In about four weeks, everything will be different."

My time of "hiddeness" has given way to a season of added projects and physical illness. I find it frustrating that it doesn't matter where you have come from or where you are going there is never an opportunity for slowing down. But that is the life I have marked out for me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have come to realize that a life of selfishness is much easier to achieve than a life of service and self-sacrifice. It is not only contrary to culture but to our very nature - the fabric of culture - to practice discipline and self-restraint. Those words have negative connotation birthed in to them. Their very essence is counter-cultural. Revolutionary.

Some things on my head: young adult community, re-design of CLCC Youth.com, Nexus, marriage, creative outlets, and myriad faces and names synonymous with blessing, encouragement and heaviness.

I leave with a word for all the runners out there:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. - Hebrews 12

[ Tuesday, May 03, 2005 ]

[ I don't know what the Jack is. I have been so restless the past few days. I can't put my finger on it but it is the most infuriating thing to deal with. Let me try and explain; my restlessness comprises apathy, indifference and meaninglessness. There is so much going on in my life but I feel completely unresponsive to doing anything at all. It's akin to not knowing where to start without the overwhelming feeling that goes with it. I am chaotic and frustrated but I also don't feel in a position of depression or heaviness. My struggle comes from knowing that the more I feel this way the easier it is for me to fall into a selfish binge - I have been there before. So, in an effort to maintain sanity, health and righteousness, I force myself to read scripture or play music or something else of a creative or nourishing nature. However, I find less joy from those happenings than I normally would.

Even now I don't want to keep writing even though I know that any sort of creative outlet would be a welcome escape. But I don't want to escape! I want to deal with it but I don't know how. I feel I am in a place of "hiddeness" - as Graham Cooke would say - and my only alternative is to listen for the Lord and to wait for Him.

Speak my Lord, for your servant is listening. ]

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